Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
