my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
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Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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