I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
