I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
