she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
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OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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