I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
