If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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