cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
