the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
