Soap is not a condiment
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
