My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
cat food counts as protein by the way
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
