I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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