dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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