We won't sleep together?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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