I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
