I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
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The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.