my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
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we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Who died my cat blue again?