probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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