I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
