My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
