i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
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we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument