dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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