Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.