i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
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eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it