I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
