So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
