I just pynch a tree in the face
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
