That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
