I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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