U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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