I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
