i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
