Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
