I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Randomize
