I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
