he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
