shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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