I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
