haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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