quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
