I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
