i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
