So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
