His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
