her vagine was all disorganized.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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