john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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