Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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