Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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