Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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