Apparently you make a good broom.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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