it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
