I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
