The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
