I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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