at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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