two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
