glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
