Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
