is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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