she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
