The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
