I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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